Giving ground wisely
Plan your concessions, make them shrink as you go, and never give one away without getting something back.
Concession
Any move towards the other side: a higher offer, a lower price, a later deadline, an extra thrown in. Concessions are expected, and a deal where both sides moved tends to feel fairer to both. Each one also sends a message about where your limit is.
Omid opened at $7,850 for a car. Coming up to $8,350 is a concession. So is agreeing to collect the car himself instead of having it delivered.
Omid buys a used car. Walk-away point: $9,000.
Opening offer $7,850
Step 1 +$500 -> $8,350
Step 2 +$250 -> $8,600
Step 3 +$100 -> $8,700The steps shrink: 500, 250, 100.
The seller reads: "he's nearly at his top".
Omid settles at $8,700, still $300 under his limit.Equal steps (+$500, +$500, +$500) tell the seller there's more where that came from, and would carry Omid past $9,000. A sudden big step invites them to push for another one.
Check yourself
Which pattern of concessions best tells the other side you're near your limit?
- +$500, +$500, +$500
- +$100, +$250, +$500
- +$500, +$250, +$100
- One jump of +$850
Show the answer
+$500, +$250, +$100
Right. Shrinking steps signal that you're running out of room, so the other side stops expecting much more.
Trade, don't give
Giving
"OK, I can come up to $8,700." The seller gets $350 and pays nothing for it. Worse, they've learned that pushing works, so they'll push again.
Trading
"If you include the new tyres, then I can come up to $8,700." Every move you make is linked to one of theirs. You still move, but each step costs them something, so they ask for fewer.
Check yourself
Leila is negotiating a flat listed at $1,200 a month. Which is the best way to phrase her concession?
- "Fine, I'll pay $1,150."
- "If you can start the lease on the 1st, I can accept $1,150."
- "I could go to $1,150, or even higher if you need me to."
- "I'll pay whatever the last tenant paid."
Show the answer
"If you can start the lease on the 1st, I can accept $1,150."
Yes. "If you..., then I..." ties her move to something she wants, so the concession is traded rather than given.
RECIPROCITY
People return concessions
People tend to feel pressure to answer a concession with one of their own. In a well-known study (Cialdini and colleagues, 1975), students were first asked to volunteer with young offenders for two years. Everyone refused. Then they were asked for something smaller: a single two-hour trip. About half agreed, compared with about 17% of students who were asked for the small favour directly.
Retreating from the big request felt like a concession, and people wanted to return it. Use this honestly, by making real concessions and asking for something back. And recognise it when a huge first request is followed by a "smaller" one aimed at you.
Check yourself
In the reciprocity study, why did more students agree to the two-hour trip after refusing the two-year request?
- The two-hour trip was paid
- They'd forgotten the first request
- Stepping down from the big request felt like a concession they wanted to return
- They were a different, more generous group of students
Show the answer
Stepping down from the big request felt like a concession they wanted to return
Right. The retreat from two years to two hours felt like the asker giving ground, and people felt pressure to give some back by saying yes.
WAIT FOR THEIR MOVE
Don't bid against yourself
After you make an offer, the next move is theirs. If you make a second, lower offer before they've responded ("Well... I could do less"), you've made a concession in exchange for nothing, not even a counter-offer. Silence after an offer feels long, but it's their turn to fill it.
Parisa emails a quote of $4,850. Two days pass with no reply. Sending "I could do $4,500 if that helps" is bidding against herself. A friendly "Just checking you received this; happy to talk it through" keeps the offer where it is.
Three more habits
- Don't split the difference by reflex. "Let's meet in the middle" rewards whoever anchored more extremely. Check where the middle falls against your target and walk-away point first.
- Label your concessions so they're noticed: "That's a real stretch for me, and I'm doing it because you agreed to the earlier start." An unlabelled concession often goes unvalued.
- Keep a note of what each side has given. It keeps the trading fair and stops you giving the same thing twice.
Check yourself
If they don't answer your offer right away, lower it to keep things moving.
Show the answer
False
False. That's bidding against yourself: a concession in exchange for nothing. Wait for their counter-offer, or follow up without changing the number.
Plan your concessions before you start
- Mark your opening and your walk-away point
Omid: opening $7,850, walk-away $9,000. Everything you might give sits between the two.
- Sketch shrinking steps
For example +$500, +$250, +$100. Decide them now, calmly, rather than in the heat of the moment.
- List what you'll ask for in return
New tyres, a service, an earlier start date, faster payment. Each step you give should have a step you ask for.
- List the cheap-to-you extras
Things that cost you little but matter to them, like flexible timing. They're still worth something, so trade them too.
- Track the moves as you go
A quick note of who gave what keeps you honest, and stops you drifting past your plan.
Check yourself
Is each move a trade, or a concession given away?
- "If you include the new tyres, I can come up to $8,700."
- "No reply yet? OK, I'll drop to $4,500."
- "I can start two weeks earlier if we fix the review at six months."
- "Let's just split the difference." said straight after their extreme opening
- "If you can start the lease on the 1st, I can accept $1,150."
- "I'll throw in the extra revisions, no charge, to show goodwill."
Show the answer
Traded: "If you include the new tyres, I can come up to $8,700.", "I can start two weeks earlier if we fix the review at six months.", "If you can start the lease on the 1st, I can accept $1,150."
Given away: "No reply yet? OK, I'll drop to $4,500.", "Let's just split the difference." said straight after their extreme opening, "I'll throw in the extra revisions, no charge, to show goodwill."
Lesson recap
- Concessions are normal. The skill is how many, how big, and in return for what.
- Shrinking steps, like +$500, +$250, +$100, signal you're near your limit. Equal or sudden big steps invite more pushing.
- Trade, don't give: "If you..., then I..." A free concession teaches the other side that pushing works.
- People tend to return concessions (about half vs about 17% in one well-known study). Use it honestly and recognise it.
- Don't bid against yourself, and don't split the difference by reflex. Label your concessions and keep a note.
- For your prep sheet: my planned concessions, in order, and what I'll ask for in return.